Aquarius Jan 20 to Feb 18
You are likely to become unemployed and contract a painful, infectious disease. Your dearest friend will betray you and financial problems will get worse. Someone you will never meet will cause severe damage to a possession you value. Bad weather will make gardening a pointless exercise. You have forgotten to pay insurance premiums.
Pisces Feb 19 to Mar 20
Personal relationships will be at a low ebb, mainly due to your own attitudes. This is not a good time to enter into any business relationship. Domestic problems will develop. Relatives will be something of a nuisance and someone you cherish will suffer unsuspected heart damage. It is not wise to be alone since you will be so depressed that your life may be in danger.
Aries Mar 21 to April 20
Do not listen to the advice of others. Once more you will realise that your life is futile. Food hygiene is a real problem and those close to you will turn away in your time of need. This is not a good time to spend money since your financial future is very bleak. Do not scorn the help of those whose advice you need.
Taurus April 21 to May 20
The garden fence needs attention and this is not a good time to spend money on yourself. Halitosis will be a real problem and those whose financial advice you have taken in the past will be spending much of their time in the bankruptcy courts. The garage doors may as well be repaired while the garden fence is receiving attention. You will not have time to attend to such matters in the future.
Gemini May 21 to June 20
This is not a good time to leave the house. Do not answer the door without peeping through the curtains and keep bail money in a safe place. Ears will need syringing.
Cancer June 21 to July 20
It may be wise to take a long holiday abroad this year. South America may be most suitable. Beware of friends who may be more than they seem to be, and make urgent repairs to your guttering. Family relationships will prove a burden and varicose veins will figure prominently. Make sure vaccinations are kept up-to-date.
Leo July 21 Aug 21
A hospital stay may prove longer than anticipated and financial matters will need attention. Changes in your career will inevitably follow absences and the size of your family will be reduced after a friend becomes closely attached to one of those nearest to you.
Virgo Aug 22 to Sept 22
There will be a dramatic change in your personal status and a memorable evening will result in worries for a month. Drinking habits will cause problems and you are likely to get a good deal of exercise during the coming year. Failure of certain ambitious projects is almost certain and new electrical equipment will probably prove faulty.
Libra Sept 23 to Oct 22
You will be changing your environment in the near future and you will be unlikely to have financial problems for some time. Someone else will do the cooking but toilet arrangements will be primitive and there will be few opportunities for mixing with the opposite sex, although you are likely to have cause to regret an impromptu intimacy which preceded these changes. Special clinics can be attended without an appointment.
Scorpio Oct 23 to Nov 22
The future looks very bleak and industrial disputes will do nothing to brighten your prospects. You will be very unhappy in the coming weeks and redundancy money, although apparently generous, will soon prove inadequate. Your doctor will prescribe tranquillisers but these will prove, sadly, ineffective.
Sagittarius Nov 23 to Dec 20
There will be opportunities to attend parties but you would be wise to refuse invitations. You are unlikely to do this, however, and you will regret rejecting this advice. Emotional difficulties will result in a heavy consumption of paper tissues. Health problems make it unwise for you to plan far ahead so your financial problems will prove to be of little importance. Bunions will still be a problem.
Capricorn Dec 21 to Jan 19
Do not be too gloomy but remember that it is not true that things can only get better. You will be surprised just how much worse they can get. Make positive attempts to solve personal problems and you will find some solace in having tried. Friends will be of little help and difficulties involving income tax will result in the dissolution of a business partnership. Expect to travel to a foreign country which is connected with the exporting of coffee and keep a suitcase packed. Sinus troubles will persist.
First published in Punch 2.1.1980. Now available in Stories with a Twist in the Tale by Vernon Coleman.