Very Scary Global Health and Weather Warning

We’re all going to fry to death. The media is warning us all to stay indoors with our heads in buckets of iced water. The Government is holding an emergency Cobra meeting to discuss the escalating heat-wave. Sadiq Khan, the worst Mayor of London since the last one, has held meetings with senior officials from the fire brigade, councils, the ambulance service, transport for London and the NHS. The library people probably popped in if they had nice biscuits. I wonder what they talked about? ‘Do you think it’s OK to wear sandals with a suit?’

There are rumours that we could be having the hottest summer since the last hot summer. A red alert has been issued to warn us that the weather could be hotter than at any time since last winter when the bright red alert system was invented.

Schools are closing. Hospitals are cancelling appointments. There are warnings of delays to road, rail and air travel. (How anyone will notice any of this is a mystery).

There has been a special warning from the UK Health and Weather Alerts Adviser who said: ‘There is a real risk that ice cream will melt more quickly when the sun is out. To avoid your ice cream falling on the floor or on your shoes it is advisable to lick faster than usual though the public should be aware that this could lead to serious tongue fatigue. To avoid this risk, members of the public, particularly children and the elderly, should only eat ice cream when it is raining.’

The BBC has issued a warning that ‘long tongue fatigue’ is a real risk among civil servants and others who can afford to have long periods away from work without anyone knowing or caring. The symptoms of ‘long tongue fatigue’ include exacerbated dandruff, split hair ends and hard skin on the toe next to the big toe.

The media is in meltdown, of course. When the Government says ‘Scare people out of their underwear’ that’s what it does.

The BBC had a headline which said ‘Avoid heat wave deaths by staying safe – health boss’.

Still, they did give us advice.

Apparently we should keep drinking water.

That’s what the top scientists came up with.

I bet you’d never have thought of that all by yourself.

Our barometer is set fair and the temperature outside hit 24 so it’s certainly warmer than it was in January. But the lawn hasn’t melted yet and the only thing that is boiling is my blood.

Global warming nutters are having hysterics. ‘We told you it would get hot,’ they cry. ‘We’re all going to die! It could be nearly as hot in England as it is in France every summer.’

To save you looking at the weather forecast every day I have prepared a simple to use annual forecast – guaranteed to be much more accurate than anyone else’s. I’ve added health warnings where appropriate.

January – Cold weather possible. Wear gloves and a muffler and a hat if you’ve got one. Do not tie your scarf too tight or you may strangle yourself.

February – Chilly again. Slush may result in dirty shoes. An NHS expert points out that ‘dirty shoes are a sign of a dirty mind’.

March – Winds could blow off hats and turn umbrellas inside out. Don’t run after your hat if it blows in front of a bus. A 78-year-old woman was run over in 1943 while trying to catch her runaway hat.

April – Showers are possible. Wearing a plastic mac may attract jeers and guffaws. NHS expert warns that those exposed to jeers and guffaws may develop psychological problems.

May – Mixed weather best described as wet and dry. Boredom can set in.

June – Bound to be disappointing and produce a sense of deep despair among those who have booked cheap off peak holidays. Serves them right.

July – Warm weather possible. Men over 20 years of age should not wear shorts if they ever want to be taken seriously again.

August – Winter starts. Put away sandals and fish out warm jumpers to avoid catching a cold.

September – Neither one thing nor the other. Technically we experts describe it as a ‘wet and dry’ month. Even if you won’t be able to afford it, it is time to check that your heating works.

October – The frail should beware of falling leaves. Do not walk under trees which have large leaves. Horse chestnut trees can be a real danger as conkers may fall on your head while still in their spiky outer covering. In 1904 a man was slightly injured by a falling conker.

November – Shuffling through piles of leaves can dirty shoes. In 1965 a boy in Middlesex received a good telling off for getting his shoes dusty.

December – The only certainty is that snow will not fall on Christmas Day. Disappointment can lead to depression which can last the whole year. Depression is considerably worse among those who placed a bet that it would snow on Christmas Day and who didn’t realise that ‘one flake isn’t enough’.

So, that’s it. My cut out and keep ‘whether’ forecast which will help you decide ‘whether’ it is going to be hot or cold or neither.

The jolliest and most informative book on climate change is Zina Cohen’s masterpiece entitled Greta’s Homework. Endorsed and recommended by absolutely no one associated with the global warming movement. Available as a paperback and an eBook.