Prince Harry’s Christmas Message

Prince Harry used a ghost writer to help him write the new book which he wrote. So it seems fair that I should help him write his Christmas Message. He hasn’t seen it yet. I hope he likes it.

Here it is.

‘It has been a terrible year. Meghan and I have had a really bad time of it and all the media can talk about is people not being able to afford to keep warm or buy food. Why don’t they think about us and our problems?’

‘The papers have betrayed us by spending so much time reporting strikes and floods and unexpected deaths and wars and unimportant stuff like that. Don’t they realise that Meghan and I have had to deal with much bigger problems?’

‘There are lots of things that people don’t know about and that haven’t been reported. When we went to Buckingham Palace one day someone who I won’t name unless I’m given more money asked for a cup of black coffee. They did this in Meghan’s presence and without any thought for how she might feel about it. I can tell you that it affected her very deeply. That sort of institutional racism is common in the Palace. Lots of people drink black coffee without for a moment thinking about the race issue. Meghan was in tears for a week the first time she heard someone ask for a cup of black coffee.’

‘And then one Christmas someone, whom I won’t name, but a member of my family who is very high up in the hierarchy and whose Christian name begins with a C, allowed someone else to play some carols on a record player. And one of the carols was called ‘White Christmas’. That was blatant racism. How obvious do you have to be? Both Meghan and I were devastated and we cried for a week but we received no special counselling. That was just another example of racism. That sort of thing could not happen in America where we are now because there is no racism among the Americans. That’s why we chose to be here.’

‘And then there was the trifle incident. The papers never reported that but it was very significant. We were having tea with my brother and his wife and trifle was served. When the servant served Kate he gave her a piece which had 43 little silver balls on it but when Meghan was served she had a piece which only had 42 little silver balls on it. That sort of preferential treatment was commonplace and it was very hurtful. My brother’s wife said that two of the little silver balls were cracked and only counted as one but that’s the sort of thing people say and it doesn’t ease the pain. How could anyone ever get used to that sort of treatment? No one knows what we’ve had to suffer. So that’s why we’re reaching out and telling our story with the help of television companies and publishers.’

‘And then, to make things worse, my brother’s wife (whose name I don’t like to say) asked for a second helping and was given it. Meghan did not get a second helping. She said she would have liked to have had a second helping but she was full and didn’t much like the trifle anyway. My brother’s wife should have been more considerate. It was rude and selfish and elitist of her to have a second helping when Meghan didn’t want any more.’

‘I am very cross with the way the media has written about people not being able to afford to heat their houses or buy food. Those things don’t matter much and anyway if people want more money they should just make TV documentaries about themselves or write books about themselves. We did very nicely out of that and have earned enough for a very ordinary lifestyle. Everyone should do the same. The trouble is that people are just lazy and expect things to work out better for them without them making any effort. People should stop complaining and find people to write books for them.’

‘And there was another example of racism in the Palace. Whenever there was a big dinner at the Palace the men wore black trousers and jackets even though most of them they weren’t black people. That’s another example of cultural and racial appropriation which Meghan finds so offensive. And at my grandmother’s funeral a lot of white people were wearing black clothing. That was racist too. My grandmother was the queen, by the way, and when she died I didn’t inherit any of her palaces. That’s another thing that just wasn’t fair. Meghan cried about that. We would have liked another palace that we could move over to America. Meghan and I are expected to cope with just the £100 million or so we’ve earned so far from selling our story. It should have been much more. Flying by private plane and having lots of servants costs a great deal of money. People don’t realise how hard up we are. And the papers just keep on and on about the cost of heating and food. It’s not the cost of heating and food they should worry about but the cost of 24 hour a day security with expensive bodyguards and private jets – those are the things that matter to us.’

‘I think it’s very unfair that selfish people spend so much time worrying about their own little problems and not worrying about our problems which are much more important than anything else in the whole wide world.’

Vernon Coleman’s three volumes of autobiography are called Memories 1, Memories 2 and Memories 3. He wrote them himself. They are available on Amazon.