Now that I am Prime Minister

Since Britain doesn’t seem to have a Prime Minister at the moment I have reluctantly appointed myself to the post. Here’s what I plan to do in my first morning in office.

1. I’ll abandon the sanctions against Russia
2. Britain will leave NATO since they got us into the mess with Russia.
3. I will withdraw our armed forces from anywhere outside our borders.
4. I’ll close the NHS and give health care tokens worth £2,838 to every man, woman and child in the UK – to buy themselves private GP and hospital medical cover. (That’s what the NHS costs per person.)
5. I will ban all animal exports
6. All animal experiments will be banned
7. I’ll insist that all patients receive test results within 24 hours
8. My Government will ban bicycles from public roads – they can use all the little cycle tracks that have been specially built for them. Cyclist wearing little cameras on their helmets will be imprisoned for breach of privacy laws and for being obnoxious little twats
9. Anyone seen wearing a mask in public will be sent to China for committing the new crime of excessive sanctimoniousness.
10. I will insist that everyone on social media must give their real name.
11. Anyone commenting on health care on social media must give their relevant qualifications
12. I will ban all vaccines because they are neither safe nor effective
13. The unvaccinated individuals will be exempt from Income Tax and given precedence in all government appointments
14. I’ll increase the state pension so that it is the average income.
15. All trade union spokespersons (male, female or neuter) must wear pink tutus at all time so that they can be easily recognisable and not taken too seriously
16. The net zero nonsense will be abandoned
17. Any shop, café, etc., which refuses to take cash will be permanently closed for treachery
18. Britain will no longer allow into the country any individual who has received one or more covid jabs
19. Anyone deliberately stopping traffic (e.g. by gluing themselves to the road) will be arrested and automatically imprisoned for one year
20. All left over EU legislation will be repealed
21. All civil servants must return to work full time or be sacked
22. All quangos will be disbanded.
23. Green and Liberal parties will be outlawed in the same way that BNP was outlawed. The Greens and Liberals are a threat to the safety and security of the country
24. Civil servants who screw up and/or lose or waste taxpayers’ money will be fired and will lose their pensions
25. The BBC will be permanently closed.
26. YouTube, Google and Twitter will be banned for their censorship policies which are an offence to the basic principle of free speech
27. Scotland and Wales will be granted independence immediately and all subsidies from England halted
28. There will be a cap on salaries for council employees. The cap will be £70,000 per annum

That’ll do for the first morning. In the afternoon I’ll do some more things.