The Boris Johnson Diet Book

Recent holiday photographs of the UK’s current Prime Minister, semi-naked and displaying what can only be described as a generous figure, have stimulated publishers to race ahead with what they hope will be the Boris Johnson Diet Book.

How else is Boris Johnson going to make the millions he’ll need for lawyers and new wallpaper when he leaves Number 10, Downing Street? Writing a diet book will make him a richer man.

I’ve obtained an exclusive sample of what the new diet book could possibly contain.

‘We think Boris’s book might be the first inclusive diet,’ suggested one publishing expert. ‘Boris and the publishers will want a book which attracts those who want to put on weight as well as those who want to lose it. Boris, being an expert in these matters, will be able to appeal to everyone.’

So, here are possible sample pages from the Boris Johnson Diet Book:

Breakfast
Two kippers
Bacon, lettuce and tomato roll
Big plateful of chips
Four ring doughnuts
Three Danish pastries
Six slices of toast with marmalade
Two boiled eggs with soldiers
Bottle of champagne

Elevenses
Three doughnuts
Four Danish pastries
Two packets of Jammie Dodgers
One packet of Monster Munch (pickled onion flavour)
Bottle of champagne

Lunchtime
Lobster Thermidor with chips
Steak sandwich with chips
Spaghetti hoops on toast Christmas pudding with custard
Pound of cheddar with biscuits
Bottle of champagne

Afternoon Tea
Six scones with cream and jam
One box of Mr Kipling’s French Fancies
Two packets of Hobnobs
Bottle of champagne

Dinner
Two dozen Oysters
Roast Duck with trimmings
Pot Noodle (curry flavour)
Spotted Dick with custard
One camembert with biscuits
Bottle of claret
Two bottles of champagne

Supper
Welsh rarebit (two slices)
BLT Roll with chips
Cheese sandwich with Branston Pickle and three onions
Alphabet spaghetti on toast
One box of wagon wheels
Bottle of Burgundy

Total calorie intake for the day: 650 calories according to BJ’s calculator in conjunction with Neil Ferguson of Imperial College